10:21 p.m. - 2007-07-30
What's up chicken butt?
Does anyone still read this?
read this...read this...read this...
(echo get it? get it?)

so much has happened since I last updated. I keep trying to write over at

www.sailorsaid.blogspot.com

but somehow this place feels like home still. I'm not as witty, clever or hilarious at blogger as I imagine myself to be here. boo.

anyways back to so much that has happened.
The biggest deal was I turned 30.
Which oddly enough wasn't really that big of a deal when push came to punch.
I turned 30 and managed to stay sober AT MY OWN PARTY.
I know what the hell is wrong with me??
BUT I was wearing a really awesome blue dress and I think if I was wearing something more that I thought was falling down drunk friendly I would have been.
But overall it was pretty unremarkable..no parades, surprise rockstar guests, no productions of THIS IS YOUR LIFE, no girls popping out of cakes..nope it was low key.

Then about a week later we bought a house. We haven't moved in yet, that happens in 30 days. We started packing this past weekend and it took all day just to pack the kitchen. Admittedly we got rid of more stuff than we packed. We packed 3 boxes, one of those is just booze. No Iam not joking.

Anyhow I'm going to be attempting(3rd times a charm right?) to write over at

www.sailorsaid.blogspot.com

I've already written 2 thrilling entries.

I just have to pretend that blogger is dland I think.

10:36 p.m. - 2006-12-21
rant rant ranty pants
It's 4 days until Christmas and I have one gift completely bought and only bits of other gifts.
My meds have been upped because the current dosage decided it would stop working. My doctor advise me not to drink as it could cause seizures.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

ON top of that my sister told me on Monday that some dude at some party tried to rape her and basically molested her while she screamed and fought while her slutty friend banged the perverts friend in the other room. And she is reluctant to go to the police because she thinks it must be her fault AND more than one person that she calls a friend has told her that it basically is. What the fuck is wrong with people? My sister has bruises and bite marks and people are like "well you could have left" hmm let me pin you down and bite you and see how easy it is for you to leave. I want her to take me back to the bar she was at before the party she went to-yes she admits it was stupid to go back to this party with guys they had just met but her friend really liked the guy and they had so much alcohol in their systems that a straight thought was not going to occur.- I want her to take me to that bar and I want to confront him with a kick in the balls followed by multiple kidney punches. I will take that fucker downtown and then back again.

Add that about 2 months ago they told me I was going to be the facilities person for my office. A job for which I have no training or even wanted. Im basically the worlds worst receptionist so why the hell would you want me to be the one who manages the office? I mean last week I had the phone off the hook and on my desk for about 2 hours because I DIDN'T NOTICE IT THERE! I was too busy reading about what a hobag Britney Spears now is.
Although the one good thing about it is that the guy I hate, the fat bad Danny Devito look alike who has the worst, puffiest bags under his eyes and who has the gull to tell me every day that I LOOK TIRED, seriously one day Im going to look at him when he says that and say "atleast I don't look like a sack of old shit." umm where was I? OH yeah.. for months he wanted to move his desk to this really sweet corner one, obviously the guy is not going to get it and not just because every single person at work hates him but because he is basically not important on the workplace ladder AND there is no logical reason for him to be moved there. So when a manager asked me if he could move there and gave me 5 good reasons why he needed it I gladly let him have it. Cue fat dumpy danny, standing in front of my desk with a note book demanding to know why the management guy got that spot even though he had been asking for it for a long time. And I got to say "cos he had good reasons to move there and he's management." then I got to listen to him attempt to file a complaint and bitch and moan to his boss and whoever else would listen to him about the injustice of it all. He's a fucking highschool girl. Seriously he does that thing where he will talk EXTRA LOUD so you know what he's talking about but he doesn't want to say it to your face, mostly because you refuse to look at him in fear of becoming bullemic.
So that's a bonus of my job. That and I might get to go on a couple of business trips.

Let see is that it? hmm oh no lets add to that the fact that the boy is having a friend over on Saturday who he invited over THREE WEEKS AGO but only mentioned it tonight and that guy is a real neat freak, like his place looks like no one lives there and that the boy will basically only tidy up the livingroom area and I will be left filling the bathroom with bleach and hoping that he does not look behind the curtain because lord help me if he looks behind the curtain.

And because the boy is out tonight at some xmas party that the club he dj's at is having and will be having the above friend over on Saturday he does not want to go and hang out with our good friends tomorrow because "he just can't go out 3 nights in a row." even though he has tomorrow off and was off today. And Im just sick of going to these couple things with our friends AND NOT HAVING MY OTHER HALF THERE.
I feel like Big Bird must have felt when he was dating Snuffy.
Although I think it would be fucking hilarious if I upped my meds and found out that the boy actually did only exist in my mind, that would freak me out. But at the same time I'd be like "uhhh if it was all in my head why wasn't it all champange wishes?" I would hope if I made up an imaginary spouse he would be on that side of perfect that I would feel like floating on air all of the time.
But looking around its obvious that he is very real, why else would I have a Storm Trooper helmut on display in my living room?

Plus my lips have been chronically chapped for weeks even though they are blistexed out. I even go to bed with extra blistex or Rosebud salve on them after giving them a gentle scrub with an old tooth brush like all the magazines tell you to.

Oh and I haven't shaved my legs in a really really long time and Im at the stage now where I know it would take a long time actually shave them and probably like 4 razors and I just can't be bothered.

I think that's it but probably not.

8:50 p.m. - 2006-10-17
When you take away the safety net.
I haven't been here in a while.
I went over to blogger, which Im still occasionally at but the annoniminty(oh my god how badly is that spelled!) that I had here was sort of like some sort of safety net for what I wrote.

When people can potentially Google you and find out things like that you use the word "vagina" a lot or that you think your mother might be absolutely apeshit crazy you start to feel as if you should hold back and talk about boring shit like what you had for lunch.

The boyfriend knows about that one as well, I don't know if he reads it, but how can I write that I sometimes make to-do lists in my head while we're humping or that sometimes the sexy talk interrupts my concentration or that after 7 years together he still sometimes confuses the side of my leg for my vagina? how? how?

I think my problem is that I seem to want to write something important and I over think it. Heck whenever I wrote on here I just wrote, never preplanned always just let my fingers do the talking if you will.

I'm going to keep trying over there until I get it write, until I settle in I guess.

Weirdly enough I blog almost daily at Myspace, even though it is just silly things and they are really short.
Even stranger is the number of people who read it. Right now Im about to hit 500 hits, which to me is a bit weird, as I only have 25 friends, one of them is a pug.
Weird.

So if you have a myspace and feel like being "friends" mention dland so I don't think your someone trying to pump their numbers:
www.brandyneh.myspace.com

and if your feeling like checking out if Ive lost my mind:
www.sailorsaid.blogspot.com

8:56 p.m. - 2006-08-22
drugs are bad.
So.
The other night, actually it was the early hours of the morning I had a dream about my ex.
A sexual dream.
Actually there was no sex but I did have one of those intense orgasms that I seem to only have when I'd asleep.
In the dream he told me he wasn't happy being married and wanted me back. I was sitting on a kitchen counter and he came and lifted me down and hugged me and in the dream it was this intense feeling.
I woke up looked at the time (6am) and went back to sleep and continued to dream about him, something which has never happened.
In the second dream he kissed me and then my sister showed up and I was like "oh Im using the bathroom" and then I was in a panic because his wife was going to come home.

I know hearing about people's dreams is about as fun as sticking smarties up your nose but I haven't been able to tell anyone and if I don't Ill just keep obsessing over "what it means"
I know it means nothing. A dream is left over stuff from your memory.
I just felt this saddness because he said he wasn't happy in his marriage.

That made me so sad.

I truly just want people to be happy. Even if they did break my heart and decide that his relationship with drugs was more important than his relationship with me.

God that sounds bitter. But I'm honestly not. The boy who took my virginity he also chose drugs over me.
Drugs have a strong pull on some people.
They just can't help themselves.

Right before he proposed to his wife he sent me an email telling me he was still attracted to me and could no longer keep in touch with me. He was going to propose and marry although he knew he would probably not be able to be with the same woman the rest of his life.
I had no problems with this, I wished him the best. I felt sad for him and sad for his wife.

Especially because her eyes are so tiny and her nose is rather big. Kind of like the Budwiser dog.

8:42 p.m. - 2006-07-25
its all in my head.
The problem with going to my parents house is that mentally it exhausts me.

My mom makes up stories. Just pulls them out of the air like we won't notice that they are complete lies.

She has been doing this for a very long time, so I am somewhat used to it.

Sometimes though I just wonder what the fuck is wrong.

Example: she asked my sister and I if we would like some boiled eggs for breakfast. We both wanted them soft boiled, we even told her the exact time to boil them as she complained that she "didn't know how to soft boil"
So she brings out the eggs and we crack them open to find them hard boiled. We rolled our eyes at each other.
"These are hard boiled." we said not really mad but come on now how hard is it to soft boil eggs?
Her reply?
"No they are not. Those are soft boiled" she argued.
Now if she would have just said "sorry I over boiled" we would have just left it, these things happen.
But to stand there and tell us that we were wrong and they were indeed soft boiled was just ridiculous.
What came next was exactly to script.
"Well I like mine hard boiled." she said, to convince us that her way was the only way...even with eggs.
"Yes that's fine but we both asked for soft boiled AND gave you the time."
"Well they are not as hard boiled as mine, they are practically soft boiled."

I know, I know, you might be saying "well it was nice she made you breakfast." the breakfast making was indeed a nice gesture, it was the trying to convince us that our eggs were soft boiled and if not that they were better this way instead that is par for the course.
Just so she can try to make us feel like we are so utterly stupid that we don't even know how to boil eggs "the right way"

She then relayed a story about her friend 16 year old daughter asking if her boyfriend could sleep over.
Part of the story was the girl saying "I've been told I'm very mature for my age" and my mother telling her "Your not mature my girls were mature, my girls were independant."

Later my sister drove me to the train station.

"I think it's funny that she got all on her soapbox about the boyfriend sleeping over. My boyfriend was sleeping over when I was 14."

"Yeah I know...I had to wait until I was 16!"

"and we were only independant because she just stopped parenting, we just were...free range...god you told me about the birds and bees...I was on the pill and having sex at 14!!! What the fuck?"

"why does she just make stuff up?"

"I don't know...maybe she believes it?"

"yeah."

"you know she told me that you don't have depression..that it's all in your head and your just addicted to anti-depressants."

I'm currently not on anti-depressants but I don't bother to tell my parents that, it would only involve more of my mother telling me that I'm an addict and theres nothing wrong with me.

My sister then acknowledged that I was depressed all through highschool. She was young so I didn't know that she had noticed. I felt bad. I just stared out the window.
"I was just so sick in highschool..."

"well..they let you be..they saw and did nothing."

I heard anger in my sisters voice that I had never heard before.

It's weird.

So now its Tuesday and Im just starting to feel "normal" again.

Good thing its just all in my head.

9:31 p.m. - 2006-07-09
-
My sister has been given a car for free.
Well sort of.

See this friend of hers is basically a spoiled brat. Which in itself is bad enough but she is so spoiled that she actually has no friends because no one can stand her.

No Im not making this up.

She has no social skills. None. She hates going out, hates it when my sister hangs out with anyone other than her.

My sister sets her clock for her, not literally(although Im sure someone does.) but everytime this girl acts like a freak my sister calls her on her bullshit.

So on with the story.

So this girls parents had all this money for her education saved up, enough for her to potentially do a PHD.
Awesome opportunity right?
Except why bother going to school if you can just take some night courses and just take over your daddy's business?

So why not buy a house with that money?
Of course your only friend will help you look at places.
The whole time the girl is going on about how my sister is going to move in with her and lalalalala.

My sister told me many times she didn't want to move in with this friend, for all the reasons above.

I forgot to mention that the friends father just loves my sister thinks she is the bees knees(and she is)so when my sister got her license the father tells my sister she can have this extra car they have "as thanks for helping his daugther find a house'

So do you see where this is leading?

So then my mom(no story would be complete without some of her thrown in)starts pressuring my sister about how good it would be to live with her friend and blah blah blah. The fact that my sister also can only take so much of my mother sitting around at home all day smoking pot nonstop and playing mah jong on the computer all day long.

So long story short.
My sister is moving in with her friend.

I hope for her sake its a good thing but I think its a bad move. www.sailorsaid.blogspot.com will be updated tomorrow with exciting new photos of exciting new things.

10:34 p.m. - 2006-06-26
Knockers on heavens door.
I think its funny that both notes regarding my boobage are along the lines of "your so lucky"

Ladies trust me. Giant knockers are not all they are cracked up to be.

But don't you just love the word "knockers"?

One of the first times I ever saw Bette Midler she was on tv on the movie channel or whatever it was back in the 80's(first choice or the superchannel, which then became one firstchoicesuperchannel) anyhow it was one of her concerts and it was very bawdy. Giant breast balloons came rolling out on stage, dancers danced with them. Bette had these costumes that were outlandish.
She used the word "knockers" which cemented my love for her.

I was well under 7 years old but I knew she was being naughty and I liked it.
How many kindergarten kids do you know who tell their classmates their favorite band is the Sex Pistols? Because your baby sitter let you stay up to watch the midnight music video show and you saw them and knew that the word "sex" was naughty.

I was most definately a naughty child.
I was the girl who coaxed all the boys into showing me theirs. I was the first grader with a boyfriend who I kissed every day after school.

I was obsessed with boobs. Obsessed with boys. Obsessed with reaching an age where making out would be part of every day life.

I clearly remember having an orgasm in my sleep at about 7. It woke me up and I was like "okay go back to sleep so that can happen again."

Of course because I was obsessed with boobs and sex neither of them were mine for the taking.
I lost my virginity at 16 and didn't get tits until just a couple of years ago.

Up until I was 21 or so I was flat. Just barely a B cup.
Then within the course of a year I went up to a C cup then slowly but surely a D.

I remember the first time I got properly fitted for a bra and she brought me in a 36C and I said "oh no Im a B" and the woman looked at me and said "You are most definately not a B, we will see how the C fits, because frankly your almost a D"

I was shocked when the C fit perfectly.

My sister, bless her, at her biggest was an 34 E. That basically means her boobs were 6 inches or so bigger than her ribcage. HALF A FOOT.
She paid mucho dinero for bras that were capable of holding her up. She even slept in a bra because if she didnt she had to rearrange her boobs every time she moved in her sleep.

I have to adjust mine at night. But I find bras so uncomfortable that I just deal with it or sleep in a tank top.

I wear a bra that minimizes my girls most days. The days when I wear them up and out I look a little obscene. And then I notice the men. The men who don't bother to hide the fact that they are staring at my tits.
I want to get one of those shirts that I think it was Steve from the Sex Pistols wore on some talk show in England and its just like this black and white shot of a womans naked bossum. During the interview the host is looking at his shirt and Steve calls him a "dirty old fucker" or something like that. Or maybe a shirt with a picture of like mens balls or something. I think that would be so weird for so many men, like "Im staring at tits but seeing sac"

I think in a way size of my chest made me hold back on the other things I used to do that were sexy.
I used to wear heels a lot. I used to wear skirts more. Care a bit more about my every day appearence.

My chest is so in your face sex that I play everything else down.

I think being of smaller bust almost forces you to be real sexy and not in your face on a platter type of sexy.

I'm not saying "OH I'm sexy because of my taters" Its just easy, like if I should feel the urge to dress sexily I just pop on something low cut or tight and off I go. For all anyone knows I could be slightly retarded and smell like old shoes.

I was totally going to erase the last half but thought "fuck it"

Moral of this story? Biggins' aren't all that. Clothes fit funny, your back hurts, you get dents in your sholders, you slouch, they move around on their own, men become pigs around you.
It's a mans fantasy, which is just based on the need to procreate, bigger bust means more substinance for an infant or some shit like that.

Okay now me and my knockers are going to bed.

Updated over at www.sailorsaid.blogspot.com

12:42 a.m. - 2006-06-25
Them there.
It took me 3 tries to log into here.
Why?
Because my nails are too long.
Every now and then I decide to grow my nails.
Actually that is a lie, I don't really decide to grow them I more just don't clip them.
My nails are weird shaped, weak and bendy, both my mom and my sister have amazing hands and nails.
I'm not used to having anything but short manicured nubbins, when they get past my finger tips I start to feel like I imagine my cat feels like when I stick something on his paws.
I like them when they are long though for several reasons all of which are reasons you aren't really suppose to use nails for.
1. Scratching. Nothing feels better than scratching an itch with nails, it is 100 times more satisfying.
2. Tapping on things. I have been drumming on walls, pipes, signs, fridges, just a simple roll of the fingers can produce many different sounds.
3. Floss. Okay that is kind of gross, but this is only in situations where no other alternative is available. Like someone says "You got something stuck in your teeth" and you try in vain to get it with your tongue but it stays stuck so finally you turn away and get it out with your nail.

Oh well Im cutting them tonight because I want to paint them red and red on longer nails looks trashy.

I took my measurements this week.
Some places have shrank and that was a good feeling.
The weirdest thing though is that my boobs havent bothered to notice that they should be disappearing. I was so happy when I started losing weight.
According to the bra measuring guidelines I am now the proud owner of two 34 Double D's.
I was a 36 C before.
So. Um. The boobs..getting bigger.
Actually I think they are actually the same size but Ive lost weight off my back, thats one of the most noticable things is the change in my back, so not my measurement around has gone down but the boobs havent shrunk so Iam some crazy sounding chesty larue.

34 Double D.

I swear they dont look as big as that sounds.

Today we rode the scooter around the areas we will be looking at houses in.
I wrote about it over at

www.sailorsaid.blogspot.com

I'm really into beets lately. I looked up some varieties that I want to grow this makes me excited. They have ones that are orange, ones that are striped when you slice them! Beets are really good for you too. They cleanse the liver and are great for digestion.
Plus if you eat a lot of them your pee will turn red.
Fun!

Okay its late.
Im tired and sore and I think a bit sun burned.

11:16 p.m. - 2006-06-20
I like hot dogs.
Updated again over at www.sailorsaid.blogspot.com

nothing special. I have to figure out how to upload photos. People like photos.

I like photos.

Its been hot and humid and headache for the last couple of days.

I think I sweat too much, like too too much, in weird places er, not like on my body but like Ill be fine out side in the swelter but I step into some chill air conditioned building and Im pouring sweat. Its like Im bizarro sweater from backwardsland.
It's a bit embarrassing to mop my brow indoors.
Ive convinced myself though that its the primer I use to even out my pores and such before I put on tinted moisturiser. Which only explains the sweaty face and hair thing.
ew.
Im gross.

Of course summer brings out all the people who don't believe in deodorant.
Oh jesus. If god intended people to smell like old socks filled with rotting hotdogs then he wouldnt have invented deodorant. Do you think god has b.o? No he doesnt. Because god knows that cleanliness is next to him or whatever.

I don't know what I have against hot dogs lately, because honestly I like hot dogs, well veggie dogs, because hot dogs are actually kind of gross. Anyhow I like hot dogs.

12:09 a.m. - 2006-06-18
Sprinkle donuts.
Added an entry over at sailorsaid.blogspot.com

nothing spectacular, but i figured I had to start sometime. I'm sure Im going to do some copying from here over to there. Until I'm comfortable over there.

It was 40c here today. Thats about 100F.
So. hot.

J and I took the nut for a walk in the ravine. I picked buttercups, mysterious blue flowers, clover flowers, some purple flowers and weirdly enough yellow iris'. Just growing there in the wild.

By the time I got them home they were limp so I put them in a vase of water and put that in the fridge. I dont know where I read that tip but it worked. Later I took them out and they were fresh as um, daisies.

I made roasted mini potatoes for dinner along with salmon with tomato and olive salsa. The basil was kind of bland though which made me a bit sad.
Obviously I need my own garden.

Weird fact: none of my ex boyfriends are on myspace. None.
Their wives/sisters/cousins etc are but none of them are.
I did however find out that one of them is now a master mixologist at some fancy bar. He was one of the few who were good.
Oh wait Im a liar, one of them is actually on there. Whatever still weird.

Another weird fact:
One of my flickr photos has been viewed 20 times. The most on any other photo is like 11. Even weirder is its the photo of me where I look the worst.
I pushed it through photoshop and made myself look sickly and odd.
But I liked the result, because it kind of looks like a painting. God even my hair in it is all over the place.
So why this photo?
Plus theres only one comment on it, which is Betty, hmm hum.

We ate icecream bars that were banana ice cream coated in chocolate with nuts and inside was a ribbon of cherry.

I wish I had a pool. I wish I had a house with a back yard. I wish I had friends who I could make sangria for so I wouldnt have to drink alone.haha.
Actually Im only part jokes.

Last night J had 2 friends over. One had never been here before.
But his myspace states that one of the people he wants to meet is someone I once had a relationship with. The I found out that he had/has a dog named after that person. I totally wanted to blow his mind and be all "back when me and him hung out." But he totally screams like a girl and it put me on edge. I can't scream like that and I am a girl.
He spent a lot of time looking at all the photos all over our walls and fridge. He told me I was very photogenic-yes I know a million people have told me this which leads me to believe that I must be in person slightly toadish for people to be so surprised by the photos.- then when they all left to go to some bar he did the double cheek kiss but actually like made my cheeks wet.
But he had drank a bottle of wine on his one in under 2 hours and he did leave me a bottle of wine as well.
And the hole thing wasn't horrible just funny.

For some reason I decided to do thigh presses with 95 lbs this week.
Since then Im positive Im walking like a cowboy. Its the same feeling as when I lost my virginity, without the rug burn and sprinkle donut.

8:44 p.m. - 2006-06-14
and the sailor said...
Tomorrow I'm going to a special mass for a friends mother who passed away a month ago. I only met her mother twice as she lived in Venezeula, but my friend is a wonderful person and that I believe is her mothers doing.

I secretly like churches. I like attending masses and listening to hymns. Its the whole religious part that I want to keep at arms length, if I went to a church and they recited Dr.Suess and sang songs from Yellow Submarine I would attend um..religiously.
I mostly like the space in churches.

Since its a special mass and not a funeral Im not really sure what Im suppose to wear.

I somehow spent the birthday money my parents gave me on coffee and 10 dollar sandwiches.

yes I paid 10 dollars for a sandwich.
A new place opened right beside my work and I was warned that the sandwich was pricey but also advised that the chicken one was delicious. So I went and asked for a chicken which they were sold out of so I got a veggie.
A veggie sandwich and a bag of gourmet chips, should not cost 10 dollars.
But it did.

It wasnt anything spectacular either.

This is why I dont carry cash on a regular basis, because it burns a red hot hole that makes me throw it around aimlessly at stupid stuff like large lattes and 3 chocolate bars.

You know because I can't live without either of those things.

Im all sore from weight training today.
I havent lost any weight in forever. Im happy that Ive lost 15lbs, but Im still 5lbs over the weight I first said "I need to lose some weight"
When I told my boss that I had high cholesterol she told me I should join weight watchers. Im not kidding.
She was like "you dont have much to lose, like 10lbs, look at how much I lost before I went on vacation."
She also added that she sees what I eat and I eat crap. Which isnt really true, I will eat something disgusting once in a while but its hardly a daily thing.
She meant well though and bless her for thinking I only need to lose 10 lbs.

I once had a boss who told me it wouldnt hurt if I put some makeup on.
My first boss actually said that. My first boss at the popcorn place.
On halloween that year I came to work as a blonde, I had a face of makeup and my boss was like "you look great"
I looked like a bad tranny hooker.
That Christmas I asked for a lipstick that I later found out was 30 dollars!
I still have it its a Guerlain Kiss Kiss lipstick and its a deep brick red colour. But what I love most about it is the smell. In general I want my lipsticks not to smell. MAC's smell like vanilla which is nice but some lipsticks smell like chemicals and I hate that. This lipstick in its gold case smells like a sweet perfume. Im not sure what exactly it is but I love it.

I have finally decided on a blogger.com name.

Ready?

sailorsaid

Kelly will get this probably right away(because shes a genius.)
Plus I actually come from a long line of sailors, I obviously am not one but Im a lady.
because in case you haven't figured it out yet Alice isnt really my name.

Im still going to keep this diary though because I can't call my friend a skanky whorebag on blogger, because...wait why can't I?
anyhow.
whorebag.
I want a designer one.

12:07 a.m. - 2006-06-11
Head in oven
My apartment is so cold.
My feet are icicles.

Nothing of note happened in the last 24 hours.

I did my makeup tonight according to MAC Cosmetics websites new bridal looks, is it sick that I have all of the colours for two looks?

My cat just batted a tampon across the living room floor.

Today me and J walked around and looked at things. Including vanilla marshmallow body wash, vintage records and amazing front lawns. I bought two cards, one for mothers day(because Iam a bad daughter.) and one for fathers day(because Iam a good daughter now.)both are blank inside because all of the cards I found for fathers day were not of my liking. Both cards have magnets on the front. One is a vintage streetcar, Im going to give this one to my dad because he grew up with those very streetcars, the other is a small button that says "fuck you" and under that it says "I mean I love you" which I just thought was too funny for words and my mom would think it was funny too. Plus the added bonus of giving them a magnet so they see the words "fuck you" every time they open the fridge was pretty much worth it.

Im still a bad daughter because I didnt bother to actually buy a gift for either of them.

J bought me the book "One Skien" today, Im looking forward to getting it.

Okay Im going to go stick my head in the oven to warm up.

9:21 p.m. - 2006-06-09
THINGS ARE MOVING
My hands and feet are freezing.
Because last night I woke up and J wasn't beside me, no he was out fiddling with the air conditioner. It was 1am and he was clicking the dial on it and broke it.
Then he got up again at some point because the upstairs neighbor was playing guitar or playing video games.
He banged on the ceiling with the broom.
Yes were those people.
It was after all a school night.

Secretly though I thought "good, the more frustrated and hateful he is of our neighbors the more open he will be to looking at houses now instead of later."
Speaking of which we have a meeting with our real estate agent on the 19th!!! Finally something is happening.
Today the fall bulb catalog showed up in my mail. Its a sign.

I talked to bestgirl last night. We both agreed that after it sunk in the whole orgy became a comical story.
Especially when people asked how the vacation was.
Then we discussed how disgusting the guy in the orgy is in general. Because bestgirl had been talking to his now ex girlfriend(she had packed up every single item of his and when he was like "punch me I deserve it" she said "yeah you do deserve it but punching you would mean I would have to touch you" good girl.)
Like in the week we were there he maybe had 3 showers. He wore the same clothes over and over. Basically a dirtbag to the max.
So we grossed ourselves out with the dirtiness of him.
ew.

S is talking to the other girl, atleast she appologised, the other two didnt. But she's also talking to her ex who she hung out with and he broke her cellphone, I havent got the whole story, but from what me and bestgirl put together we left and she spent the night with her nutso ex and then he broke her phone by throwing it.

awesome.

She was all "I dont know why but I feel a strong connection to him..I still love him."
He was lucky we didnt run into him in Vancouver as both bestgirl and I would like very much to give him a peice of our minds, and by minds I mean fists.
I want to put the fear of god into him so he just disappears from her life and shes forced to move on find someone who isnt an abusive alcoholic.
During the week we were there he called non stop. One day he called 145 times in one hour.
You do the math.
When she said she felt connected to him I wanted to smack her.

I said to bestgirl that I dont know if I can go through her getting back together with him.
I have a feeling she is about to as she was saying today that she hated her roommates.

Her ex has a big nice comfy condo. All the better to threaten her in my dear.

Okay enough of that.

Im going to go have a nap.

I added some more photos to flickr
http://www.flickr.com/photos/22144970@N00

and the answer is yes Iam a photoshop junkie.

10:58 p.m. - 2006-06-06
Satan didnt come for me.
Well I turned 29 today on 666 and nothing has happened.
Satan didnt come to claim his bride, I didnt become preggers with demon spawn(although the night is still young and I have drank a bottle of wine.)
My work sang happy birthday to me, which was probably as close to hell as I got today.

Yesterday at lunch I went to the Gap to see if they had any summer tops.
I walked out with a top, sandals, cardigan and jeans..yes another pair of jeans.
Its because Ive rediscovered straight leg.
Im never trying on another pair of boot cut again! I've found the secret and its called straight leg.
I dont know why but somewhere between the age of 18 and 28 I only wore flared or boot leg...of course in the last few years something called hips and thighs made jean shopping hellish. Then the H&M jeans I bought before Vancouver or B.O as I like to call it(Before Orgy) were straight leg..and I was discussing jeans with bestgirl and she was dismayed to find me still bootlegging/flaring it.
"No, no, those cuts have that hug the hips then go in then out, straight leg is straight from the hips down...you look skinnier."
This is why she's my bestfriend.
So the Gap had jeans on sale, I grabbed a random pair of boy cut jeans and pulled them on. Perfect.

The sandals I bought I wore today and they almost sawed my toes off. I hate breaking in sandals.

J took me out to dinner at an italian place, so good.

Tomorrow Im going out for 3 dollar martinis after work with the girls.

Things are good, Iam happy.

For those of you that havent gone over to see my uber photoshopped photos here you go:

http://flickr.com/photos/22144970@N00

I love photoshop, its like the best makeup a girl can have. Plus with the internet I can pick the photos where I look presentable because heaven knows that I do not glow like I grew up in a nuclear power plant(it was two towns over so maybe I glow a bit) I also never knew how many freckles I had on my face until recently.
The Englishman had pointed them out to me one night and I was like "oh they arent freckles theyre moles" or something like that and he said they were freckles and he liked them. He also told me once that I could be a model in Japan,which was the weirdest compliment Ive ever been given.

Happy 6/6/6 everyone!

12:15 a.m. - 2006-06-04
4 days until 666
In 4 days I turn 29.
My very last year in my 20's.
Whats extraordinary about my birthday this year?
Well it falls on 06.06.06

The only time in my life that it will ever do so.

I should be jazzed about this birthday, I'm never going to be able to through a satanic bash again. But first off it falls on a Tuesday, not exactly a good day for parties.
So I can't actually have a 666 party.
and really it wouldnt seem the same if I had a party days later, the magic would be lost.

Stupid christian calendar.

I totally would have gotten a ouija board for the party too. I would have rocked the devil aspect like lucifer himself.

But really whats even weirder is that Im just not feeling the birthday vibe this year.
I dont know if its because of all the recent events or what but I just dont feel like doing much other than sleeping and wondering if people can see the big hole in the crotch of my grey house pants when I go outside.

Ive been mucking about with photoshop all evening.

Ive uploaded photos to flickr...

You can find them by searching for brandypineapple
under people or...
http://www.flickr.com/photos/22144970@N00/

Okay I have to go sleep for the millionth time today.

11:10 p.m. - 2006-06-01
How to be 70 when you are 29
Today my doctors office called me and asked me if I could come in by 3pm to see the doctor about test results.

If not then at 9am on Monday(he isnt in on Fridays)

I made the appt. for Monday then proceeded to work myself into a lather about why they wanted to see me right away. I broke down and my boss offered to drive me there. I took a cab instead.

Apparently I am severely anemic.
and my liver isnt funtioning properly.

lovely.

My cholestrol is really high.
Because my liver isnt working properly.
My doctor suggested a drastic diet change.
As well I'm to take 3 iron supplements a day, I was taking one a day.
Because its not that Im not getting enough iron, he thinks I am intaking a good amount, but the thing that takes it from your food and carries it to your red blood cells isnt doing its job.

So basically my blood is kind of failing to deliver things.

I swear Iam some government experiment that ages my internal organs at an excellorated pace while my outside appearance doesnt change much from the age of 18.
One day the secret service will crash my door down and kidnap me.

Hip hip hooray.

Okay everyone go download
"You could be Happy" by Snow Patrol.
Seriously its been on repeat on my ipod for a week.
My love of moody sad breakup music will never end.

Ive been urged by bestgirl to write LJ an email. I suspect it would be cathartic to do so.

We are all still very upset.
How could someone who is suppose to be one of our bestfriends, a gang of us who have been together almost half our lives, betray us and when confronted (bestgirl confronted her) act apathetic and unappologetic? How could someone who is appart of us be so different from the person we once knew?
This trip was suppose to be a reunion of sorts. LJ has been the most distant from the 4 since she got married 7 years ago(since seperated) we stood by her during a drug addiction, we stood by her during her seperation, when she wanted back into our lives after horrid behaviour towards bestgirl we gladly opened our arms.
But this act has left us all torn and all of us have reached the end of our ropes.
I think the hardest thing is that she will be no more. 4 is now 3 and thats that.

Okay Im going to go drink some prune juice.

7:59 p.m. - 2006-05-31
What happened on my vacation.
I'm baaaack!

How I spent my vacation..

I arrived on Sunday and drank wine with bestgirls older sister. We caught up and laughed a lot, mostly at our mothers.

Monday I waited around for S to return from a yoga retreat. When she did she whisked me away to a dinner party at her academic friends house. It was enjoyable and they were lovely.

Tuesday the rest of the crew arrived.
Mill, LJ, bestgirl and her other sister.

Everyday after that was a blur of walking around the city, smoking pot and seeing things.
We walked a lot.

Friday we drove up to one of the mountains. There was a suspension bridge that you had to cross to get to the path up the mountain.
I thought "ohh scary, but Ill be fine." I always think Im going to be really afraid but then I start doing something and am not.
This was not the case.
I took about 3 steps onto the bridge and felt like puking. It was full of people who had gotten off a tour bus, walked across the bridge and then turned around and walked back.
It swayed in a way I never want to have something Im walking on sway again.
I staired straight ahead, gripped the thick cable and stared at the back of bestgirls head. My legs were shaking and at one point right in the middle I had this thought "I should sit down, Im going to fall." I decided that sitting down and having some emergency response team have to talk me off the bridge or worse come carry me off was worse than walking the 20 feet to the other side.

Then we walked up about 300 stairs.
As me and bestgirl huffed and puffed up them a middle aged woman dressed all in white whizzed passed us, she was running up the stairs.

Granville Island was nice. I saw a family of baby ducks and 9 afgan hounds running around on a tennis court. Afgan hounds look incredibly like muppets.

So it was a pretty great trip until the very last night.

When we had a "last night" party.

Thats when events unfolded in such a way that I do not consider LJ to be one of my friends any more.

The party was fun, there was dancing in the living room, laughing and general fun. Bestgirl and her sisters left and I stayed up a short bit then finally just had to call it quits.

I went up to S's room and fell asleep.

I woke up to something.
A moan. A loud moan.
At first I thought "someone is playing around." then I realised that they werent. I was wide awake.
It was 4am.
More moaning.
Then I realised.
People were having sex in the living room.
I knew that the only ones still awake when I went to bed were S, LJ, Mill and S's friend G.
I instantly knew that S had fallen asleep and the other 3 were fucking.
There was music blaring. Im sure to drown out the noises.
I felt like puking. Ive known S since forever, shes my foster sister so I also know her pretty well. I knew that an orgy in her living room was not going to include her. I knew that she was laying there upset and disgusted, wide awake.
What should I do. I lay there shaking mad and disgusted.
5am I heard G go into S's roommates room. I didnt know if it was S or LJ as I heard someone knock on his door and say "can I sleep in here"

S came into her room shortly after.
She was shaking.
She was traumatized. I wanted to go down stairs and kick the living shit out of everyone. I let S talk and let her know that what she was feeling wasnt wrong, that what they did was disgusting, disrespectful of S, her home and themselves.
We went to sleep.
I woke up at 7am and went and had a shower.
Then I sat with S and we talked. She didnt want to even look at them. Neither did I.
I went back down and made some breakfast.
G came down and was all "oh have you ever been so drunk that you totally forget what you did..teeheehee" she didnt say this to me but to S's other roommate. I didnt look at her.
LJ woke up and tried to talk to me like nothing happened. I gave her one word answers. Mill woke up and I almost spit on him. Bile rose in my throat several times.
S called bestgirl and it was decided that she just go over there with her dog.
I called a cab and decided I would just go to the airport 3 hours before I needed to be there.
At some point G left, S didnt come out of her room. I was in the dining room making sure I hadnt forgot anything.
G said "your lucky you went to bed early, having to get up so early." I looked her dead in the eye and said "too bad I was woken up a couple of times." I dont know if she didnt get it or what because then she tried to hug me.
It was like if they all pretended that nothing happen then nothing happened.
Except it did and S was hurt and upset.
After I called the cab I went straight outside to wait for it.
As I left Mill said "see you later" and I didnt even look at him.

Honestly I dont care what you do in your private life, but its just that isnt it..private, as in not infront of your host, not in her living room, not on her bedding.
My disgust is too overwhelming to put into words.

But other than that I had a great vacation.
I saw seals or a seal climbed through mountains and saw a bald eagle, I took a million photos which will be up on a flickr account soon. And I was happy to see S and her dog and hang out with bestgirl.
Its just too bad about that orgy.

11:33 p.m. - 2006-05-20
How to procrastinate.
So its 11:30pm on Saturday.

So far I have decided on what makeup to bring.

Taught myself how to copy photos off of my camera and on to a computer.

Uploaded a million new songs onto my ipod.

Anyone notice what is missing from this list? Like actually packing.

Well now that I have my makeup sorted I can focus on the outfits that will go with them. I have two makeup bags full of makeup items, culled from the suitcase and other bags to include "only the essentials" did you know the "essentials" include 4 eyeliners, lip plumper, 4 blushes, 10 eyeshadows and 3 different foundations? I never claimed that I was a natural beauty. Although in the past few months Ive been wearing very little makeup. I dont know if its because Im becoming more comfortable in my own skin or if I am becoming increasingly lazy about my appearance.

Bestgirl called and I talked her out of bringing 7 pairs of shoes.
I was being all practical like
"Bring comfy shoes because we are going to walk a lot, bring a pair of dance shoes and 1 other pair of shoes."

When I talked to her later in the day she said "well I have it down to 4, plus the pair Im wearing." She leaves on Tuesday and she started packing the Thursday that just past.

Even though I know that Iam going to be wearing my running shoes probably 99% of the time Im bringing my low pointy heels and my impossible jlo shoes.
We are after all going salsa dancing.

I went down to the storage room today to get the luggage that my parents lent us when we went to England in 2001 and have never bothered to claim.
When I lugged it out from where it was jenga'd in it basically disintergrated...all the hard plastic that makes it a suitcase crumbled. I had a mini heart attack thinking I would have 1 carry on and a backpack to pack in but remembered that J had a great bag with wheels elsewhere in the storage.

Okay so I should go pack. This time tomorrow Ill be in Vancouver.

YIPPY!

11:21 p.m. - 2006-05-19
VAY CAY CAY
I bought my faux Marc Jacobs sunglasses and some jeans.

Yes I bought jeans. It was so weird there was a rack of clothes that said 9.99.
Im a sucka for a sale(and a sail but the chance for that doesnt come up very often.) There was ONE pair my size half price. I wasnt holding my breath. Ive resigned myself that jeans will not fit me 99.99% of the time.
I went into the change room.

Put them on.
and.
they fit.
Perfectly.

Today went so slowly. sllloooowww.
No one was in the office, I ate a pile of donut holes. I ate crap all day.
I cleaned out my desk so the temp didnt think I was crazy when she saw the pile of things randomly shoved in there.

Sent emails. sent more emails.

okay got to upload the ipod.

8:52 a.m. - 2006-05-18
IF YOU DONT LIKE IT FIX IT.
Last night I took matters into my own hands.

I stood in the bathroom mirror and
CUT MY OWN HAIR.

First I cut my bangs which were so outragously retarded and looked aweful from my fancy hair cut.
Now they look like bangs, and not like a 3 year old with safety scissors found me in a sound sleep.

Then I thought "You know what I spent 8 months in hairstyling school I can cut my own hair...damn I used to before I knew the rules"
and proceeded to do so.

I sectioned out the top and twisted it and cut maybe an inch off. It fell and it looked good.
So I continued to do this all the way around my head.

Then my hair looked kick ass.

Then I decided to just do a bit more at the front.

You should always stop while your ahead.

It still looks better than it did but I cut it a bit short in the front.
Oh well.

But it looks better.
Or atleast it did last night in my bathroom. I havent had a shower yet so I have yet to style it.

J said it looked much better.

Okay.

Off to the doctors.

9:41 p.m. - 2006-05-16
be-kinky
Yesterday I decided to torture myself.
For the first time in over 10 years I tried on bathing suits.
Strike that.
I tried on bikinis.

See my friend S in Vancouver has a hot tub and were suppose to go in it.
So I thought I would pick up some boyshort bottoms and a top.

Errr.

Because I wanted the most coverage this side of the 1920's.
But instead the effect was...OMG LOOK AT MY THIGHS!! And all the tops were...well..not my size.
Even though the tag stated that they were indeed my size and the next size up.
Then for some bizarre reason after putting myself through that I decided I would try on some jeans to make myself feel better.
It was like the trauma of the bikinis made me temporarily mad and I forgot that jeans are my sworn nemisis.
3 way mirror how you taunt me.
Lee jeans that look so nice on the rack and do fit everywhere they should why do you make my ass look flat?
These were the questions running through my head as I wondered if it were true that most people who jump infront of subways are not killed and just horribly mangled. And if I were horribly mangled would I even need jeans?

Add to all this the fact that it had been raining all day and my hair looked like a vat of crisco would not control the frizz.
Oh wavy hair you are satans daughter.

OH and the whole reason I had gone to the mall was to pick up the H&M sunglasses I had seen on the weekend.
But the H&M in the mall didnt carry those.

Thursday I have a doctors appt. for a yearly. My doctor from last year, the girl doogie houser...she was no longer there. So Im seeing a new doctor. Hows that for a "how do you do? Nice to meet you, please wont you look up my birth canal?" lovely.
But I noticed last week that my math skills(oh those math skills!) had failed me yet again. I thought I had counted my pills and would be fine for my vacation, but no I would actually run out this Sunday and I had no refills. Bah.
So Im going to just keep on taking them for another month.

So.
Thats that.

6:29 p.m. - 2006-05-13
MY FRIEND FLICKR
I got a digital camera!
Its the one I wanted!

I was taking a giant amount of money to the bank for my work(in cheques) and whenever I do that I meet J and we grab a coffee and both go to the bank and then he walks me back.

Anyways all week Id been "oh it would be so nice to have a digital camera for my vacation...the first vacation I have ever gone on alone..." and just really beind dumb about it. So were talking about what were going to do this weekend and I say "I can think of some things, but we'd need a digital camera" and he's like "what do you want? do you think Im thick?"

and I say "I want you to loan me the money for the digital camera and I can pay you half on this date and half on this date." And he made me swear and swear that I would pay him back and I was like "I was going to buy it anyways but cannot afford it until this date, but I want it for the vacation, so all your really doing is allowing me to buy it a month early."

So then were walking back and he hasnt said yes or no and he walks straight into the store that sells it and says "is it this one?" and I say "yes" and he buys it.

I have to buy the memory card for it but thats no problem.

It's 7.2 megapixels and fits in the palm of my hand.
It was on super sale too. Everywhere else that sells it it goes for 400 dollars, the place we went normally sells it for 350 but were having a sale this week that ended on the Friday, and I got it for 300!

Today I gave blood. Then I walked home. I went into Holts and looked at a pair of 300 dollar sunglasses. Oh Marc Jacobs, must you taunt me with your sunglasses too? Why cant we just be friends? H&M has knock offs that are 12.50 so guess which ones Im getting?? Hmm.

I looked into the windows of Vera Wang. Frothy loveliness. When I do get engaged Im going to go there just to try things on, just because.

And then I went to two nurseries and looked at flowers and plants. I think I will plant a bunch of jasmine in my backyard, when I have a back yard.

And then I came home and took pictures of my boobs in sepia. They looked very old timey.

12:19 p.m. - 2006-05-11
TODAY I MIGHT WALK INFRONT OF A BUS.
459

Four.
Fifty.
Nine.

Imagine you spent that in last 30 days on records?

Not including shipping costs.

I just went and looked at J's ebay profile. And did some math.

Then I got a head ache and puked a little.

I just did it out of curiousity because there have been a lot of packages arriving lately.

Lets say he has spent on average 400 dollars every month since we moved here.

24 grand.

All my teeth hurt right now.

I want to go home and smash all those records.
No scratch that...I want to sell them all.
We have so many, thousands of records, and we rarely listen to them. He gives them a listen when they arrive and then files them away.

Can I sue ebay for undue stress?

8:25 p.m. - 2006-05-09
I ALWAYS SUCKED AT MATH
So.
What kind of problem is this:

sore breast + tired + dizzy spells=?

How do you like them apples?

Last month I sorta-kinda messed up my pill.
I've got 3 weeks of my current pack left so I guess we'll see.

The camera I want is on sale for mothers day. Cheaper than its ever been.
I'm trying to convince the dog to buy it for me.
Im a good mother and I deserve that camera.

I talked to my sister on IM and she was all "are you coming here for mothers day?" and I was like "no I have no money and Im going on vacation....but if mom is going to get all pissy then I guess I will."
Then we decided maybe they would come here instead, much more exciting then my home town.

Theres a girl on Canada's Next Top Model that is from my home town.
I dont know her shes a decade younger.
None of the girls have that "it" quality to them. One of them looks like a 40 year old hair dresser.
It hasnt started yet so well see.

Okay thats it from me.

9:41 p.m. - 2006-05-07
TERRY HATCHER IS THE ANTICHRIST.
At my friends house last night. Terry Hatcher on Jay Leno being the worst type of phoney fake ever. Anyways she's ranting about her vagina and how we should all love what on the inside.
Bitch is 800% botox.
Anyways she "wrote" a book..whatever...and she's like on a pound of coke or something. And suddenly shes talking about her favorite body part and its her nipples. Argh.
Im only reminded of this because right now my nipples are so incredibly sore pain is being created from an xl super soft tee just touching them.
My nipples woke me up last night.
This is what I get for laughing at jesus, taking the pill, and calling Terry Hatcher a bitch.
Its all connected somehow.

11:20 a.m. - 2006-05-07
BUILDING MY HANDBASKET.
Yesterday I had a nap and when I woke up my eye was full of gunk. Having two animals means usually getting something in your eye on a regular basis. This time though as I pulled back my lid I saw a white stringy thing. It took several tries to get it and it was kind of like egg whites. Then I noticed a ball of white stuff in my eye.
I went out and laid on the sofa with J thinking I had solved the problem of something in my eye. But it was soo irrated that I had to get up and look around some more.
Further prodding produced more rubbery white stuff. Then I I was moving my eye from side to side to see what else was in there and I noticed that the tears that were now fully covering my eye were not running out of the side but clumping up in the corner.
"my eye is full of jelly" and J followed me back to the bathroom to have a look.
"You have conjuctivitis." he said.

I went over to the drug store and asked if they had anything over the counter for it. I bought some eye drops and went home.

I pulled some more gel out of my eye and then decided to put the drops in.
Now Im fine.
I could have been still pulling strings of egg whites out of my eye, but instead I made the choice to not have to have my eyeball removed after I spent a week digging in it.

See thats an adult thing to do!

Then I went to my friends house and we watched a really bad movie called "Left Behind" which starred Kirk Cameron and was all about Jesus and the antichirst. It was long and weird and we took great glee in the fact that it was filmed in Toronto.
Theres like 7 of them...that tell the whole story, we have committed to watching each one. Basically every laugh was another straw in the the handbasket we will all be going to hell in.

My cereal tasted like tuna. I have a sneaky suspicion that the bowl I used had some tuna in it at one point and was not cleaned properly.

YUM

8:53 p.m. - 2006-05-05
POP GOES THE WORLD
Today I bought running shoes.
And I talked to my mother.
One of these was waaaay more painful than the other.

I went for a walk and found that there was a sale at the sports store. Okay so actually I knew there was a sale and I went for a walk knowing I was going to the sports store. I picked out two pairs of shoes. One was way more comfortable than the other and it also had pink on them. Did this make them more comfortable? Perhaps. I think the fact that they were half off really made them cloud-like.

They were on the top of my list. My current running shoes are so beat that my feat hurt. I might as well spend the day smashing my feet with cinder blocks as it would be the same effect as my old shoes. I walk on the outsides of my feet, there is a fancy word for it but lets just call it sidewalking. This is because in the span of 2 grades I sprained and or twisted both my ankles on what seemed to be a monthly basis. Im sure there were people who thought that my family just couldnt affort socks so I wore tensor bandages.
Weirdly enough I think it is this fact that has given me the gift of a very high pain threshold. My ankles are the only bones in my body that haven't given in to some weird geriatric disease. Friends and strangers have witnessed their power, I will go over on an ankle and someone will grab me and be all "OH MY GOD!!OH MY GOD!!IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?!?" and Im all "dude Im fine." and keep walking, they stand in awe.
So I think Im a sidewalker because of these early childhood accidents.
I have yet to break a bone.

Well technically that is a lie. I broke my baby toe once. I dropped a solid wood and metal box on it. and the way I dropped it made it so the corner point of the box hit my baby toe in the middle. Maximum hurtage.
I remember I felt really hot and then I thought I might vomit. So I sat down and grabbed my toe and sqeezed it really hard. It was a fleeting moment of pain, but it wasnt painful just more shocking. My toe looked like a giant blueberry or a very tiny Violet Beauregard. I was fully prepared to juice it.

I once had a planters wart on my big toe. I was carted off to the doctor once a week to have them pour some nitro glycerin on it and scrap a bit off. None of this hurt but it was rather boring and it didnt seem to help. I decided one night to remove it myself. I used the scoopy end of a ceramics utensil that was basically a blade in the shape of a "C" and carved it out. God Im giving myself the heebies. Anyways at the bottom of the wart were its roots. Which looked like a million tiny blackheads without the pores. I decided I would pluck these out with tweezers. So I did.
Seriously who the fuck does this sort of shit?
It didnt hurt and I loved doing it.

I still think about the day in grade one when I woke up with a giant pus bag over my thumb. Somehow I had gotten an infection over night and the skin from my second knuckle up over my nail was full of green goo. My mom sterilized a needle and popped it and stuff oozed out. What was really great was we were going to my Nanny's that day and the damn thing kept filling up, so I had to sit in the backseat sticking a needle in it and pressing the pus out with kleenex. The next day it was gone. And ever since that day Ive been wanting it to happen again.

God I just re-read that and thought "if anyones 6 year old woke up and there thumb was a giant green pus bag they would rush them to a doctor, not sterilize a needle and let them poke themselves for the next 24 hours." I want to be like "it was different times" but really she was probably stoned or drunk or both.

My sister had this weird cyst on her boob a couple of years ago and she said for weeks it was this weird hard thing and then one day she felt this kind of pop and looked down and it had exploded all over her shirt and then she was all "wtf!" and there was this giant hard thing that came out of it and then a hole, a hole that she could put a pencil in. When she told me this I was like "omg I wish I was there."

Even in highschool I sat behind this kid with horrific cystic acne, like zits the size of quarters and I would watch the back of his neck and will one to pop. I had to fight the urge so bad to reach out and just pop one.
Im lucky I didnt have that type of acne Id totally be hiding in a cellar somewhere hoping Chunk would come save me. I would have mangled my face pretty darn bad.

Im sure this is some sort of freakazoid sickness. Its not like Im actively seeking out pustules to pinch or anything and when I think about my own kids when they are teenagers I will tell them not to pop their zits.
(My mom taught me, furthering the obsession)
Okay well now that I have successfully made everyone toss their cookies...well have a good weekend.

8:44 p.m. - 2006-05-03
IS THIS IT?
The company I work for was bought by a bigger company, which is a good thing(so we've had drilled into our heads) anyways...so I found out today that my expenses are being held until the new company gives the go ahead to cut them.

Thanks fuckers.

Its not a big deal for a some of my coworkers who make globs of money. But me? I need that 169 dollars. I wanted to buy a digital camera..and its like "okay camera or money for trip."
Wahhh.

I figured out that the camera I want plus a memory card would come to just over 400 dollars. Boo.

BOO!

I took the nut out for a really long walk. We walked over 5 kilometres all around the fancy house neighborhood. I saw the people who lived there arriving home usually parking their car behind the others. Beautiful mansions with beautiful lawns. I wanted to ask them how they did it..what did they do that allowed them to purchase a 3 million dollar home.

I talked with my sister on MSN for over an hour today. She moved back home this week.
She is convinced our mother is going crazy.
She yelled at my sister to move because one of the cats wanted to sit where she was sitting..no Im not joking. Its like she cannot have a conversation that isnt about the cats.
Oh and she only eats 3 days a week, the rest of the time she drinks water.
When my sister told her that it was unhealthy my mother acted like my sister was crazy, because you know my mom is a nutritionist with a phd and we know nothing about anything.
Were just her dumb daughters.
I just feel bad because what do you do when you cant reason with someone because no matter what they think they are smarter than you?

It was summer here today, i walked around in short sleeves and was warm. Everyone seemed to have new summer clothes on. Except me. Everyone was cute and summery and I was wearing a 4 year old top and black wrinkled pants and white pumas that were given to me for free. Iam a disaster. It honestly makes me cry.
I dont know whats wrong with me.
No matter how much I stick to my budget I never get ahead. Its starting to wear on me. I wear the same things every week. I have one pair of acceptable jeans and really they are only decent right after they are washed, once I wear them they stretch out and look jank.
I feel like the bride of fuggenstein.

I look at J's closets, yes PLURAL, he has 2 closets full of really nice clothes.
I just want nice things. Things that arent old and tatty. Thats all. I want to pay 75 dollars for a hair cut that doesnt look like blind retarded children took some pinking sheers to it...who am I joking blind retarded children would make my hair look better.
I know Ive been a super complainer pants lately and Im sorry. Its just no matter what I cant seem to get any of these things. Its like Ill save and save and theres nothing still...like a hole in my bucket...and I see people who are my age and younger who are so put together and groomed and I look like I spent the day being licked by a tiger and asking for spare change.
My appearance depresses me. And when I do get large sums of money like my tax return it disappears...poof!
Its hard for me to part with large sums but somehow if I spend it all on stupid stuff that leaves me in a constant state of "what do I have to show for it?"
and the answer is always "nothing" well maybe some packs of gum and a new toothbrush.

I once had enough points at my local drug store for 75 dollars of free stuff. Instead of buying something like the orthepedic pillows they sell or the white noise machine that Ive been wanting for 3 years, I buy a million little things that amount to nothing.
Ive been working non stop for 10 years now and what do I have?

thats all.

10:05 p.m. - 2006-05-02
the sign of the devil
Six oddities

****the 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "6 weird habits/things/about yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a blog about their 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. in the end, you need to choose the next 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog****

Six Weird Habits/Things About Me

First off it was rather hard for me to pick just six...some things I do are embarrassing so they did not make the list. Plus its all subjective to what people think is weird vs. what I think is weird.

So here goes:

1. I smell my deodorant before I put it on, every single time. I dont know why I just do. It always smells fine.

2. I hold my breathe a lot. I'll walk an entire block holding my breathe subconciously. If Im reading something Im holding my breathe. If Im thinking deeply Im holding my breathe. Im amazed I don't pass out more often.

3. I say meow a lot in public. Me and J say it to each other as an "I love you"

4. I like to dance in the grocery store. Only with the carts though. I also have been known to make up dance routines for songs that really inspire me.

5. I love looking at cookbooks but rarely cook anything out of them. I blame it on my small kitchen.

6. I lace my big toes when I fall asleep.

Thats it. Thats the tame list.
I didnt want to be seen as a total freak like kelly...but like kelly Im not going to tag anyone because I dont really know 6 people here.

7:51 p.m. - 2006-05-01
HOORAY!
I got a flight! On the aeroplan!
Cheap!
Minutes before I was about to pay double. I was so upset about it.
Then I thought "well Ill check one last time." and sure enough there was a flight!
Hooray! Hooray!
Hooray!

Im going to Vancouver!

10:41 a.m. - 2006-04-30
Leaving on a jet plane...ummm maybe
So.
Ive been checking aeroplan.com non stop for the last 3 days. Nothing. No flights. Please X infinity let there be something soon.
There is one flight that leaves on the 19th but doesnt arrive until the 22. Its like you fly for an hour then are in Regina for a day, a whole day, then you fly for another hour and are in Edmonton for another day, then you fly for 30minutes and you reach Vancouver.
At first I was like ADVENTURE! then realised that I couldnt just sit in the airport for 24 hours, over night in both cases. Id have to get a hotel. So I looked up the cost of a room and it would add an extra 200 dollars to my trip which means I might as well just pay full price for a ticket that gets me there without 2 stop overs.
Which I really cannot afford.

boo.

Im hoping they put new ones up on Mondays.

I looked at digital cameras yesterday. I just dont know what I want. Ive come across some reasonably priced ones, but Im a megapixel whore and want atleast 6 but would prefer 7. I also want one that is small and light. because that is what it suppose to be for, just carrying around in my bag for quick shots.

Okay have to go eat some toast.
I love toast.

10:37 a.m. - 2006-04-29
I HAVE WISE FRIENDS
A couple of weeks ago when I was at the bridal shower the hostesses passed out postcards and we all had to write a note for the bride to be, advice or something like that. My friend B was sitting next to me and asked if we would have to read them outloud. We didn't. Then she leaned over and said "good" and passed me her card.
It said:

"lots and lots of blowjobs"

I nearly choked on the tiny sandwich I was eating.

She's right though. If you are argueing and fighting if you can just get your mouth to his penis the fighting will stop and he will see your point.
Men are surprisingly simple.
Even the most complex ones, the intellectual ones, all of them just want to have their dicks inside something other than their hands.

god Im gross. Im sorry.

But its still true.

Wednesday the drought ended.
And the aliens who had some sort of mind meld on J lifted it and he returned to normal.
Funny that.

Right now Im in a panic(on the streets of London)-Im doing this solely for Kelly's sake-
So I transfered enough money over to my credit card to get myself a flight, the remaining points on my card will be 214 dollars. Except there are no flights available. Aeroplan is weird there will be a flight then no flights then a flight. So I know that the likely hood is I will get a flight. But I just want to book it.
In my head I believe they release a new batch of flights every Monday. So fingers crossed and toes and all that.
I guess if one doesnt come up Ill have to bite the bullet and pay full price for a ticket. I hate paying full price for anything! Especially a airline ticket.

I didnt have any coffee yesterday.
By the end of the day my head was pounding so bad that I was on the verge of tears.
I have weened myself off of coffee a couple of times so I know the pain that comes with it. I cannot imagine if I was addicted to something like heroin.

Theres a Mini Cooper ad by my work that features a picture of the Mini and the text: Cheetahs are pussies.

Okay time to start my day.

9:25 p.m. - 2006-04-26
just shut up already(me not you)
I just read Clarity's note and funnily enough I was in a book store today and looked up grasshoppers because I realised that was what they really were. It was something about good fortune and blah blah blah. But I find with dreams you have to look up every element and add them all up to see whats cooking. My mom had all these dream books and I swear almost all the stuff is like "DEATH!" or something else equally cheerful.
Grasshoppers said something about freedom. I read it during my lunch time walk and forgot the gist of it moments later.

Oh and the other part of Clarity's note well...after almost 7 years together I can honestly tell you that whenever there is a drought its all me. If it were up to him it would be all of the time, there is no need ever for me to entice him, Ive tried to as well. Its completely me I completely am just half hearted towards it in general. I keep suggesting some toys and such. Seriously 7 years without a vibrator is a bit ridiculous.

I have the song I'm named from on my Ipod. It makes me happy when it comes on. It makes me want to move to a harbour town.

Im watching a british show about The Smiths from 1987. Which to me doesnt feel that long ago when I think about it, but when I look at the clips I'm like wow that was forever ago.
God I remember the first time I heard The Smiths. I loved them right away.
I went on to base most of my relationships on what they thought of them. When I met the ex it was in the university residence and we went into his room and I was being my eccentric self and jumped on his bed to see the cd's above his bed and there were several Smiths. Later I found some reason to go knock on his door again.
When I met J he quizzed me on music. The fact that he was a bigger music snob than me, just back from living in england well...there wasnt much more to say. 7 years later and two walls and storage full of records and cds.

Stop me if you think youve heard this one before. I dont think Ive dated anyone who didnt like The Smiths. Its a good compass.

9:11 p.m. - 2006-04-25
Crickets.
Last night I dreamt(that somebody loved me.) that I was covered in crickets. It was night time and I was walking through this neighborhood, another one of those that Ive never been to but always seem to find myself in, and there were these kids in a tree and they were catching crickets then I realised that I had a cricket on me I brushed it off, then another and another. In the dream I was wearing a tank top and I smooshed a cricket dead on breast bone and I started freaking out because they were all over. And I was covered in cricket guts.
I woke up convinced I was covered in bugs. I wiped down my legs and body in my half awake world and there was actually an ant on my arm, atleast I think it was an ant, it was very small and it was pitch black.
Fun times!

Now on with the show!

J's been acting distant, I dont even know if that is the right word. We just seem to go about like the other isnt there or if there is acknowledgement it is to correct something.
Its not like he's mad, its more like he cant be bothered so he's snappy and distant and bossy.
I dont know.
I realised last night that I dont think he had kissed me good night in over a week. I tried to think of the last time and couldnt(which doesnt mean much with my memory.)On the weekend I reorganised our file folder of things and put things in proper places. I found 2 cards from him one from my 23rd birthday and its so full of love and awe and his words felt like a warm hug. My 23rd. Ill be 29 in just over a month.
The other was from the same year I think.
I want that back, but I dont know how I even lost it.
The sad thing is that it probably is our sex life.
J treats me two ways:
No sex life-see above.
Sex on a regular basis-like its my 23rd birthday.

When we met we were rabbits, rabbits who ate oysters.
In recent years Ive lost my sex drive, slowly but surely it has gone away.
I believe I could easily live without.

Recently at a bridal shower we all had to write "marriage advice" on little postcards for the bride to read later on, my friend B wrote "Lots and lots of blowjobs." and she is right on the money.

Ive made suggestions to get me back into the sack and interested. But to no avail.
They say the more you orgasm the more you want to.

I dont know.

I guess its better than being covered in crickets.

9:01 p.m. - 2006-04-24
tax man cometh
I got my income tax in the mail today! Biggest return in years!
300 dollars!
I love how the government can take thousands of dollars that I work for and give me back 300, it seems a little lopsided. I think they should take into account other things. Like our taxes go towards...um...healthcare (I think) and um other stuff. They should look at how much we use things, like last year I went to the doctors a total of 4 times, where as someone else is going 70 times. Maybe I should get more money back cos Im healthy..okay well I just dont go to the doctors that often.
They should also look at the fact that I live in the city, higher cost of living, if I lived up north Id get the same amount and I could live for 3 months off of it! No fair.

Anyways.
rant fin.

I want to get a digital camera. A small point and shoot that takes good photos and is easy to carry around.

Today though I found THE PERFECT PAIR OF BALLET FLATS!! Steve Madden,Ive been a wee addict of his well priced footware since I bought a pair of pointy flats years ago that I still have but need a button replaced, I should replace it cos they are sweet shoes.
Some of his shoes are fug but others are so sweet its delightful.
I might try them on. Theres a couple of pairs that I saw that all were dazzling me.
I also went into Sephora and was smelling perfumes and there was a little sample of DKNY Red Delicious and i took it, a free sample I didnt steal! I even asked the girl if I could have it.
I also tried on a lipstick that was really good.
I also saw that they now have a Nars display which has the Orgasm lipgloss.
Finally!
I walked around the whole shopping centre and all the spring clothes made me feel hopeful.

Im doing a detox this weekend. See if I cant flush out some of the sluggishness Ive been feeling.

Ive still got the bump. Guess Ill go to the doctor, I noticed today that the whole back of my neck on that side is sore and a bit swollen, gah.
Im trying to wait until Im out of period season so I can go and have a full physical as Im due for that fun stuff these days.

Okay time to watch a creepy looking Law and Order.

9:27 p.m. - 2006-04-23
Lovely lady lumps.
Right now Ive got a lump. Its not a lovely lady one either. Its in my neck.
I thought maybe I slept wrong and a muscle did something. But then I thought "muscles dont really form lumps" do they? Its a hard little ball. Like you know when you have a sore throat and the glands kind of swell? Thats what it feels like, except its farther back than those.
It hurts.
Maybe its a bone or something, it sort of feels like one.
Maybe Im just run down and its some weird gland that swells up when your exhausted. Ive been exhausted for weeks.
Really exhausted too, not like Lindsey Lohan exhausted.

Now for a quick list of things I think I need:
running shoes-my feet are all messed up from my crappy running shoes that are all worn from me walking funny.

Underwear-the kind that are appealing to men and not just comfy cotton.

Mineral makeup.

Ballet flats.

Pink tee that was outragously priced at Caban. By a company called velvet.

Jeans that fit and dont have any special effects(except lasers, Im cool with those.)

Matt and Nat purse-jorja fox-http://www.mattandnat.com/
Its the perfect purse. I saw it today and swooned.

Everything I saw in the first 5 seconds of entering H&M, purty dresses that I need for summer.

Huarache flats, Id like a pair in white and in brown.

Bobbi Brown beach perfume, for the summer.

goucho pants, not quite shorts not quite pants.

Thats all I can think of right now.

12:43 p.m. - 2006-04-23
Party!
Last night around 8:30 my friend E called and invited me to a party. This was odd as my friends rarely call, they just arent the type who call to chat. That circle is more into emails.
So I decided that I would go to this party, I knew the host and it was around the corner from the club and it was either that or stay in my pajamas and smoke too much pot all night again.
So I went and looked at my closet.
I hate my closet.
HATE it, hate isnt even a strong enough word!
First off a lot of my clothes dont fit.
Im the Goldie locks of clothing and there are few just right items.
This is due to the weight loss, I have fat clothes from my highest weight and old clothes from former weight increases. Thats my main problem. My other problem is that I just dont buy clothes. I dont know why. It really takes a lot for me to see something and buy it. I usually need it, like jeans, Ill buy jeans when Ive worn out the last pair and then I refuse to spend money on them. So right now in my closet are a pair of jeans that fit really good but are hanging on by threads in the thigh area, and a pair of jeans I got for 29 bucks down from 80 that fit amazing when they have shrunk a bit in the dryer but after one wear they are stretched and falling down. I also have a pair of jeans that the fly is broken and held up by a safety pin.
I have clothing that Ive had since I was 16. Im not sure why.
I have a pair of underwear from then. Emergency underwear. I have a lot of emergency underwear. I also have one pair of 100 dollar underwear that the ex bought me.
Whats wrong with me? Why am I holding on to things that I clearly am never going to need instead of buying new things that look nice.
Im tired of looking like a street urchin.
The thing is I see things I like all of the time. I just dont buy them.
Im not sure why.
J has 2 closets full of really nice clothes. He always looks very put together.

Anyways so I slap on some makeup and a top that I now fit in again and the jeans that are almost dead and head to the party.

There there is a girl who looks like a girl who I might know who I dont talk to anymore. I stopped talking to her because she was self destructive and for awhile that was an attractive thing, a bit of a wild friend, but then its just like "ok time to grow up." She was with me when I met the Englishman so I think she was always a bit jealous that he didnt like her.
I couldnt figure out if it was her though, but Im pretty sure it was. I talked to some strangers who were nice and drank 3 drinks as to not get wasted. Then at 2am we all left and I went to the club and my friend N was there and we danced.
I was really really tired.

Just now I found a lump in my neck. Not a gland just a lump that hurts. I think it must be a muscle that has spasmed out.

3:42 p.m. - 2006-04-22
chocolate buffet
All week it has been lovely outside, sunshine and warmth and beauty all around. This morning rain, chill, bluster.
April showers bring May flowers.

S called with the itinary for our vacation. One of the items is a chocolate buffet..seriously. S has gone before and said it was amazing.
AMAZING. Really how could it not be? Its all you can eat chocolate!

Im exhausted so Im going to take a nap.

10:14 p.m. - 2006-04-17
DOG CONFLICTS
Yesterday I woke up just as the phone was ringing. It was my mom
"So were going to be there around 1"
I was all "sleepy, sleeps, sooo sleepy"
and she was all "see you later!"

Then I went into the kitchen to get some cereal.
Lately we have had a big moth problem.
We have never dealt with them before and it was freaky to have all these moths in the kitchen, I wont even talk about the larva, ugh.
So I opened a cupboard to clear space for my new yellow melamine mixing bowls and learned a valuable lesson:
Moths heart oatmeal.
Yep.
I had a bag of oats that I used for making dog cookies and it was FULL of moths.
This lead to me pulling everything out of the cupboard, throwing things out like moths carried the black plague.
I wiped down all the cupboards with scalding hot water and bleach.
The best way to make me clean is to totally gross me out.
In a strange way having clean cupboards brings me inner peace.

My parents arrived with sister in tow.
We walked to the coffee shop that is really far away and then back. They are all very short so it took longer than normal.
Nothing was really open so we just all chatted. Lots of really big rich people houses to comment on and such.
Then we got home and we had some cake that my mom made(boston cream pie cake..or boston cream cake.) and then they left.
My sister was incredibly sick, earlier in the week she had spent the night in the hospital with her roommates son, who has pneomenia. She thinks she caught something there.
I kept telling her it was SARS.
Gosh remember that SARS scare? It was sooo over blown, badly handled and then the Rolling Stones came and played a benefit. uh.
I lived here during that and it was nothing. Honestly I knew no one that was scared and no one who had it, not even in a friend of a friend type of way.

So the moths. They seem to be gone.
Im a problem solver.
The problem with insects is the second I see them in the house be it ants, moths, etc I get all crazy. Literally I go insane because I swear they are crawling on me. 99% of the time they are not. Ive had the odd ant start a trek up my leg and I usually catapult them into oblivion.
But I will be convinced that they are crawling all over me for days until I dont see any. It sucks.

I think Im going to buy a new pillow.
I saw one today at Winners that was lovely, smooshy but firm and trimmed in a pink flowery pattern. It was Laura Ashley and it was only 15 bucks.
I should have just bought it.
My pillow is flat as a pancake.
It was suitable for all positions of sleeping especially back sleepers, so it said.
Im a back sleeper.
I sleep like how they lay people out in a coffin. My hands laying on top of each other on my chest. Except my hands always lose feeling at some point and I have to put them at my sides for a bit.
The weirdest thing I do though is with my toes.
I just noticed it the other night.
I hold my big toe between my other big toe and the toe next to it, its amazingly comfortable too.
Sometimes I wake up and a word will be in my head.
The other night I woke up thinking "samovar" and "hobnail". I looked up both words and found that they were the words that went with objects I wanted but didnt know the actual word for.
A samovar is like a big beverage server with a spout at the bottom and hobnail is the type of class that is bumpy all over. I have some hobnail milk glass but didnt know it had a name I just called it bumpy glass.

Last week I walked(and ran) a total of 35 kilometres(most likely more.)
Thats a whole marathon.

Oh so the situation with Nut and J's sisters dog.
J's sisters dog is a 100+ lbs yellow lab. It has very bad manners ie: if you are eating it will sit and growl at you, put its head practically on your plate and in general not leave you be until you give her what she wants.
She always gets what she wants.
She is a sweet dog, but I firmly believe that people shouldnt have dogs instead of children, it never makes for a good pet.
We walked Nut over to his sisters house, the dogs met and played in the yard and all was fine.
We all drove over to the parents house in the same car fine.
Now in this course of time I had repeatedly said "Nut is fine around other dogs as long as there is not food or toys involved." I believe I said it directly to every family member atleast once and to his sister 4 times.
We get inside, everything is fine until they decide that because there are two of the same treat dispensing toys that they will just put them both down and the dogs will play, you know because they know the difference between the balls and will play nicely, just like cousins should.

So of course Nut takes the labs ball right away and a big woo-ha is made abotu the right dog having the right ball. J takes the ball away from Nut and throws it to the lab. Nut of course takes after it and when the lab gets it Nut jumps her.
Now.
I know how dogs react and think. I had stood up and was trying to get to Nut before J threw the ball but didnt make it, I was slow motion.
I also knew that the jumping of the lab was all show, no actual teeth were mashing into skin and no harm was to come to either dog.
I knew that the dogs would be fine after as they had sorted their order, Nut being older wanted to firmly put herself in the top dog spot and did so.
But the humans.
The humans reacted in the same way as they would if two children had a fight and one pulled a knife.
Nut was banished to the basement with me. J came down and I was livid.
I was boiling mad.
"thanks for just sitting there"
at that point steam came out my ears.
"You know what? I told every single person that toys and food were not a good idea. MORE THAN ONCE. So what do they do? They bring out a toy that dispenses food."
J said something like "well you should have said something." I stared at him in disbelief. Not only did I say something, I said many things and I told him that just before he said that! I felt my face get hot.
"I know I should be used to people ignoring what I say, what do I know?"
At one point Nut escaped the basement and ran around and everything was fine until the humans realised and then they reacted by throwing the lab in the washroom and getting Nut to go back in the basement. I was like "she ran around for 4 minutes, there were no conflicts why are we still in the basement." When I tried to explain the politics of dogs I was told that the lab was "his sisters whole life, she lives for that dog" Im sorry but even if Nut was a rabid pitbull I highly doubt she would have put a dent in that poor obese dog, she would have to get through the rolls before she got any butter.
But what do I know.

Okay I have to go get the laundry.
Happy monday

11:02 p.m. - 2006-04-15
SUNNY!
One of the fun things about having stoner parents is the absolute hilarity that comes from memory loss.
I'm reminded of this at this time of year when I think of jesus and all he has done for my sins, because without him being nailed up there we wouldnt have easter eggs or a song by Soundgarden...and Im not talking about Spoonman(Im not saying Jesus didnt dig spoons, he probably did.)
Anyways my parents every year would hide like a million chocolate easter eggs around the house, we would find them, my mom would look at the amount we found and declare that we had found them all.
Except for the ones we would find around Xmas(another Jesus holiday..think about that for a moment.)
3 years after the last hunt we did my mother found 7 foil wrapped eggs in a span of a week. My theroy is she was looking for roaches(the weed kind) and found chocolate instead, sort of a win win I suppose.
Anyways.

So we went to visit J's parents yesterday. His parents always send us home with so much stuff its crazzzy.
We brought Nut and she met her spoiled ill behaved 100+ lbs lab of a cousin. Which I will tell you all about at another time because I want to keep this light and breezy.
In the downtown core there are no big box stores, which is fine with me as Im generally against them except for when I need something from them. So whenever I go to see his parents I always go on a journey to Homesense with his mother.
Homesense is like Winners, which is like TJ Maxx, except instead of clothes its home stuff, hence the name.
So my goal today was to get a new frying pan. We have an assortment of pans I believe they are mostly hand me downs or Ikea specials. Our one "good" pan and by good I mean the one that didnt make everything stick to the bottom even if it had an inch of oil in it.
As I left I said "Im getting a pink frying pan."
and.
I did.
BUT! I didnt stop there.
I got the matching pink pot, our first pot with a lid(yeah shut up.) and a pink stove top kettle and some yellow melamine mixing/measuring bowls.
BRILLIANT.
Not only are they pink but they are also a really top end brand, an italian brand that decided to jump on the trend of bringing colour into kitchen tools!
Do you see what I did? I planted the seed.
J said "Your not painting the kitchen in our house pink." and I said "Of course not silly Im painting it yellow"
Thats me sowing the seeds of decor.

Right now Im looking at my pink pot and pan next to my yellow bowls (haha I wrote bowels!) and its so sweet and lovely.

Im ridiculously tired now though, we walked and walked today and it was sunny so Im that sort of tired that you feel after being in the sun all day, its especially shocking since I havent just walked around from 9am until 5pm in a very long time.
The only thing that would make this better would be if I had a bit of sun burn across my nose, which isnt a good thing but it would really make the whole sunny sleepy feeling 100% perfect, that or if I smelled like Bobbi Brown Beach perfume...I want it so bad it smells amazing.

God Im a bag of socks right now.

laters.

oh and Kelly=best comment ever.

8:12 p.m. - 2006-04-11
THEN
Chillier raised a good question.
Why did my aunt refer to vaginas as pickles?
It leads to the obvious next question as to what she called penises. Im not sure really. I dont recall her ever mentioning male anatomy ever. If I had to pick something out of my hole filled memory I might be able to say "willy", which makes sense, lots of people call it a willy.
But vagina=pickle I do not get.
and Im not about to call her up and ask.
I doubt she is one of those liberated women who even knows what a vagina really looks like, even though she owns one.

In two days J turns 35.

All I can think is if in the next 5 years we don't get married and have kids then why bother?
Why bother to keep this going on?
I dont want to have a husband who is over 50 and cant deal with teenagers or spend time with his kids.

I wanted to be a young mother. By young I mean 27-30. I thought by now I would be married, Id have a house and I would be happy.
Im not even engaged.
Im not even engaged to be engaged.

All of my money is being put towards saving for a house, but when will that happen?
This year? Next?
Then we will have a mortgage. Then we will have to save up for a wedding. Then marriage. Then. Then.Then.

I know how I want things to be and Im anxious that they arent happening fast enough and that makes me question if they will at all.

I have to believe they will of course because if I cant even believe then what do I have?

and is it enough? I ask myself all of the time. Is this enough? Is this how it's suppose to be? What if Ive got it all wrong? I know nothing is perfect but could it be better? Is there always something better? I think it because its human nature to try to map things out. Maps show us the way and we believe in them. We make them. This is here, that is there,